Although Homo sapiens may appear civilized at first glance, many of us fall victim every year to an unfortunate disease that tends to impair all rational thought. This affliction — known in the medical community as Tyleris Durdenoma — is the instinctual urge to fight, typically for no good reason.
The symptoms of someone experiencing an episode of Tyleris Durdenoma include:
Removing their shirt suddenly and erratically waving their fists
Becoming untethered such that their rage knows no bounds
Exploding
If you ever find yourself in a physical altercation with someone experiencing these symptoms, simply follow the five tips below to make sure that you come out on top.
Perform an ocular patdown
Always size up your opponents before engaging in a fight. I personally find that kindergarteners are the best size, but I imagine that your situation will be different.
You’ll be surprised at what you can learn by just looking at someone. For example, if someone is holding a gun to your head, they’re probably a bit annoyed at the moment. Perhaps they got stuck behind a long red light on the way to work, or maybe they just need to unwind after a long day of robbing people.
Appeal to their emotions
If things start to escalate beyond your control, you can always defuse the situation with a compliment. I usually like to say something nonchalant like:
Hey, we’re cool right? By the way, I really like your scent.
Or even something short and sweet, like:
I love you.
Unfortunately, you’ll have to move on to the next tactic if your opponent feels no emotion.
Use your environment to your advantage
Good news! Roughly 26% of American adults have hay fever, which means that you have a one in four chance of discombobulating your opponent with a fistful of pollen. However, if you’re fighting a kindergartener, your odds will drop to one in five — all the more reason to fight someone your own size.
If you’re a kindergartener yourself, I’m very impressed that you’ve read this far! However, I question your motives.
You should not start a fistfight because someone is hogging the swingset or because you’re not tired enough to go to sleep. In situations like these, you have to realize that you are, in fact, the instigator.
It’s important to check in with yourself regularly, especially if you find that you have a burning desire to fight at all times. I would recommend activities such as meditation, journaling, or breathing exercises to help you get in touch with your emotions. After a few minutes of deep breathing, I guarantee that you’ll be ready to hit the hay.
If you still feel like fighting with your parents at bedtime, just remember what famed scientist J. Robert Oppenheimer had to say about his nighttime routine:
“I am become sleepy, destroyer of warm milk and cookies.”
Gouge their eyes out
Threaten to remove a skill endorsement on LinkedIn
If you happen to know your opponent already, this can be a great strategy — especially if they’re planning on entering the workforce soon. This appears to work mostly in San Francisco, but success varies on a case-by-case basis.
If you’ve made it here, you’re ready to fight!
I must warn you that Tyleris Durdenoma is highly contagious — even one exposure to an infected person can briefly cause your own symptoms to flare up. Perhaps one day, we will develop an antidote for this curious disease.
I fear I am suffering from Tyleris Durdenoma. What should I do???????!!